hello sunshine

And so I was thinking maybe
We should go somewhere this weekend
Drive to a sunrise at the furthest ends
Far from this stale cigarette after taste
And snippets of last night’s memory waste
Oh wait, was it from the night before last?
I no longer know what’s present and past

And so I was wondering maybe
One day we’ll wake up before dawn
I’ll brush my teeth whilst you yawn
We’ll blearily get in your ride whining
That it’s far too early to be driving
And we’ll sing like idiots all the way
Because your radio has seen better days

And so I was considering maybe
We’ll pullover to watch the canvas sky
Navy and vermillion streaks up high
Sooner or later your tummy will indicate
Its time for your breakfast bacon and eggs
Then we’ll hunt for a quaint little café
We’re naughty, so run, its time to pay!

And so I was pondering maybe
Somehow we’ll arrive at a remote beach
We’ll pretend pretty seashells make us rich
In the warm yellow sand I’ll dig my feet
Deeper until they reach the cooler bits
Whilst you absorb the sun and breeze
Later we’ll laugh at your wind swept frizz

And so I was contemplating maybe
When my Asian skin starts to turn red
We’ll sink into a seaside resort room bed
And talk whilst dozing in and out of slumber
As the TV rambles something we don’t bother
The time will come when we get up finally
To stuff ourselves in seafood delicacies

And so I was imagining maybe
After dinner we’ll stroll under the moonlight
Walk away the guilt our pants became tight
Back to the room for a couple of drinks
Okay I lied, I’ll likely down a dozen I think
Collapse after one drunken laugh too many
No need for dreams, it has come true already

And so I was thinking maybe
The sun will pour through the windows
We’ll reluctantly accept its time to go
These memories for keeps on a shelf
Should a day be bleak I’ll smile to myself
Because I’ll think of how we never held hands
Yet you’ll always be my favourite sunshine friend

another sleepless night

i’m thinking too much.

i’m not supposed to, but i can’t help it. i’m getting insomniac. help!

i can’t even close my eyes, because when i do, unwanted thoughts and feelings come floating behind my eyelids.

this isn’t fair. i’ve managed to empty myself out. why should it come back? and why now of all times?

why now when i’ve got a major interview tomorrow at 2 pm?

why now when i need all the rest i can get? when i need as much sleep and it’s being denied?

god, you have a lousy sense of humour. did anyone ever tell you that?

a slightly emo post.

i wrote a long post, but decided it was way too emo and thus deleted it.

there’s so much i could say, but at the end i’ll just stick with this:

don’t worry for me; i’m really happy for you. seriously. i hope he realises how lucky he is.

just when you thought it was safe…

just when you thought that you had everything under control, and you were getting on fine, something is sure to pop up or someone is bound to say something that threatens to unleash the flood inside which you so carefully mopped and cleaned up.

dammit chern. you had to put that post up didn’t you.

And I want to curl up in your arms at night and kiss you softly and tenderly and bury my face in the crook of your neck and tell you you kiss good and look good and smell good and taste good. I want to rest my head against your chest and fall asleep hearing your heart beat while you press kisses to my forehead and run your fingers through my hair.

chern, remind me to give you a thorough smacking when we go for mango loh next.

thoughts from the pot.

note to self: kissing someone while drunk is not a good idea.

somethings are really hard to do, and no matter how much you try and do it for your own sake, you can’t and thus end up hurting yourself. dammit stop brooding, hatim! *smack smack smack*

don’t you just hate that feeling when you feel lost and alone, and there are so many hands around you reaching out to help you but no matter how hard you try to reach for them something is holding you down and you can’t quite reach it? of being helpless, the walls closing in, you can’t breathe, you can’t see, no peace from that black despair that pulls you in laughing bitterly…

and that there is no one to blame but yourself.

sometimes i feel like i’m letting this happen to me, that i’m just begging for it.

no, this cryptic post has nothing to do with the note to myself posted up there.

must be the emo bug flying around.

enuff of the emo stuff anyway.

i’ve got a presentation tomorrow. i’ve used up all my luck with all my other presentations, and my eyelids are sore from winking at the lecturer so much. it’s gotten me where i am so far, but now it’s dead tired. i don’t feel like winking at anyone anymore.

maybe if i show them a picture of my butt fluffed up in a pink feather boa they may let me pass.

i hate studying.

sigh.

need a long vacation somewhere with lots of sand, lots of sun, lots of busty leggy naked women playing beach volleyball while licking ice-cream. oh alcohol too. anyone can recommend anything?

i hate titles.

i’m so fickle minded.

i hate it when i make a decision based on logic and rational thought, only to counter it with another completely different decision which also does make sense. it seems like my whole life has been like that.

now i’m sitting down in a cybercafe contemplating my future. wondering should i drop this subject? should i take this up?

and meantime while i’m here pondering all these meaningful thoughts, precious minutes are slipping by. minutes i could spend say, doing the salsa samba or belly dancing while watching turkey porn. or something productive like that.

i’m supposed to be in the mmu office now, trying to battle the evil forces of the dreaded administration and the bureaucracy. it made sense to go and see them and fight. however, half way to cyberjaya it also made sense that they had fucked me up happily and passionately yesterday, and thus were going to fuck me up happily and passionately today.

don’t get me wrong, i do love studying…. but goddammit do i hate the other non-relevant university courses. co-curicullum? this is the only fucked up thing that is keeping me from getting the goddamn degree? puh-leez.
to think that i’ve studied for 8 years now and i’ve done everything worth doing, and it ain’t worth shit cause i didn’t do jack for my co-curricullum. fuck you.

sigh.

anyways, to answer your question of “how are you now? everything ok with you?” i’m pretty much dandy thanks. life can be a bitch often. it deserves a good spanking now and then.

*puts on his rubber gloves*

yo alet! nice to meet you. you rock. let’s go williams again some time.

absence.

i talk too much. i crap verbally too much, perhaps. and i’ve just got too much free time on my hands. as everyone knows, idle hands do the devils work.

i’m going to go on a hiatus for a while as i need to sort somethings out again. i thought i knew myself; now i know i don’t. i’m going to find out what is wrong with me and how i’m going to get over this problem. some soul searching and research is called for here. anyways, thanks for reading my blog and putting up with me so far; i really appreciate it.

but i really need some time to myself now.

cheerios,

[ k ].