from the squarespace archives pt9.
extracted from the lost archives of http://thekanserusone.squarespace.com.
Posted on Sunday, January 9, 2005 at 04:58AM by
of barbeques and frisbees
i’m bloated.
full of countless bbqued meat from chicken to lamb to the occasional security guard who wandered across our bbq site. we had our class bbq in cyberia.. a sort of post new year’s eve celebration. it was a lot of hard work, admittedly but hey! all in the name of fun. only gripe is that it wasn’t really private as it was at the poolside of an apartment which is notorious for it’s damn kaypoh security guards who would poke in their big ass noses and try tobe important and such. ah well. everytime one passed by we’d ambush him and fry him up to be served to the other unsuspecting gate crashers. if they mentioned anything which even remotely sounded like criticism we’d chloroform then and fry them as well.
nah… didn’t actually.
but we were tempted to, though.
what with the location being the poolside, most of the guys were happily thinking of dunking in a few of the girls… you know… all the harmless testosterone fun and adoloscent fooling about and all that. what stopped us was the strange glint in their eyes as they jabbed the bbqued sausages in a certain way that made all of us wince. we decided to behave, and throw them in some other time. so in the end, nobody got dunked, and everyone behaved in a nice decent public manner.
but we were tempted to, though.
we made a few interesting discoveries.
1. lighting a bbq fire with charcoal that has been soaked in lighter fluid is cool.
it’s super damn cool. ah don’t worry… my eyebrows will grow back soon. 
2. a tupperware cover makes an excellent frisbee if you know how to throw it properly. unfortunately, liquid-filled cups do not.
3. neither does a chicken wing, no matter how hard you throw it.
4. do not throw ice cubes in the pool water when there are people swimming in it. ah screw it. go ahead, chuck it in!
one last personal discovery that i made was that somehow i look very gay at bbques.
from the squarespace archives pt8.
extracted from the lost archives of http://thekanserusone.squarespace.com.
Posted on Wednesday, January 12, 2005 at 10:24PM by
move that ass.
liann’s got a new place. it looks pretty decent too. she was sooooo
excited about moving that she called a grand total of eight people to
carry half a van’s worth of stuff. in the end, each of us had the sum
of a more or less fairly largish box to carry. julian had on his heavy
duty leather gloves… guaranteed to handle even the heaviest load.
anyway, once we moved allllll her stuff into her new apartment (whom
she’s sharing with jimmy, but that’s another story) we all decided that
we had worked hard enough to require a drink to refuel our righteously
dehydrated bodies. i mean, it is hard work for 7 strong brawny and
sweaty men to carry 1 small chest of drawers (empty, mind you) a set of
plastic drawers filled with clothes and a few plastic bags.
there is something disturbing about the sight of two men walking while
carrying a set plastic drawers. red and azril were actually giggling as
they carried it. i wondered why until i noticed that as they walk, the
drawers would move up and down following their movement…. which was
weird, to say the least. in fact, i can swear that they were actually
humping the damn thing. ah well. liann is going to have quite a bunch
of sticky clothes later i guess.
dinner was at williams. he’s done it again, and come up with some
really spanking new pasta dish. it’s seafood pasta with garlic and
olive oil this time, and damn… it’s good. seriously. just thinking
about it now is making my stomach growl and threaten to shake it’s
booty ala ricky martin on stale ecstasy.
i need food. badly.
and sleep too.
and other unmentionable stuff.
badly.
from the squarespace archives pt7.
extracted from the lost archives of http://thekanserusone.squarespace.com.
Posted on Thursday, January 13, 2005 at 10:04AM by
big muscular brawny mechanic.
hah!
got you all! each and everyone of you were kind of hoping to see some
pictures of some buff topless sweaty guy bending over the car engine
and making intelligible remarks like “looks like your radiator pipe is
bent. let me make it hard again.” or something more or less along that
line.
or maybe you were all wondering “gosh, he’s finally embraced his sexual orientation! hallellujah!”
but either way hah! you’re all wrong! got you all!
i drove betty the bangbus today to class. well, ok. not to all the way
to class perhaps. dammit ok! ok! i’ll come clean. i only made about
two/thirds of the journey from beautiful petaling jaya to the arid
wastes of cyberjaya when betty decides to die on me. when i performed
post-morterm upon her i couldn’t for the life of me figure out why she
decided to die. she seemed to be pretty much topped up, when it came to
body fluids. i tried reviving her, and after a few sputters and groans,
with maniacal cackling uncanny resembling igor wanking to turkey porn,
succeeded in starting her. got into the bangbus, gave a triumphant
two-fingered peace sign to all and sundry and drove of to a chorus of
loud harmonious flatulence.
only to have her die again not more than 2 kilometres down the road.
got out of betty and realised that the hormonious flatulence wasn’t
quite a good thing to hear from a van engine. not even if it was a
perfect rendition of beethoven’s ode to joy. luckily i there was a
petrol station nearby which took me about 2 seconds to reach by foot. i
decided to wait a while and have a drink at the nearby r&r. after
about an hour, i tried starting betty up again. this time it took
longer for her to respond to my sensual touch, and when she did finally
start again, it was with a terminal coughing. i decided to turn back
and head to a mechanic.
she died 2 more times again on the way back home. luckily there was
always an indication that she was about to die; she’d start gasping for
breath, the death rattle in her throat would start to… well, rattle
and her flatulent renditions of beethoven’s ode to joy would pick up in
tempo, as if the mad conductor who is heading the orchestra is in his
ecstatic convulsions from sticking his baton up his ass and using it to
conduct while he wanks off furiously wearing a chicken on his head.
thanks to these warning signs, i manage to bring her to a safe place to
die; mainly tesco, puchong and sunway pyramid where i abided my time by
dining at mcdonalds while watching two kids yell at each other and beat
the shit out of their daddy with much amusement. after an hour of such
intellectual and cultural enjoyment, i went back to betty and managed
to get her to die finally, at my house.
as soon as my dad came back, i went with him, betty and his
boring-unnamed-no-personality-what-so-ever car and went to the mechanic
where he said “itu teppet ada problem.”
i swear, for a minute there i thought i was subtly having my manhood insulted by this guy.
then i realised that there is a part in the car called a teppet. or tappet. or whatever lah.
the mechanic wasn’t brawny at all; he was this skinny apek guy. so go and fantasise about him lah! ahahahahah *evil laugh*
from the squarespace archives pt6.
extracted from the lost archives of http://thekanserusone.squarespace.com.
Posted on Sunday, January 16, 2005 at 05:35AM by
silly things to watch when you are bored.
should you not feel loved, when all is in despair, and life doesn’t seem worth living anymore do not fret. help is at hand.
http://perakonline.mine.nu/slam/
i was in tears from laughing so much. the poor pooooooor guy.
from the squarespace archives pt5.
extracted from the lost archives of http://thekanserusone.squarespace.com.
Posted on Wednesday, January 19, 2005 at 08:50PM by
of gay drinks and that supreme state of horizontalness
i’m still on a buzz.
i’ve always wondered how come people think it’s feminine to sip a cocktail.
why the hell do cocktails have such feminine names?
for instance, i was at telawi street bistro today with a few class
chums. word out to debbie, aina and alyssa for coming out to drink with
me :). all of us had cocktails. when one person skims through the menu,
one is greeted by the sight of soooo many drinks with…. shall we say
suggestive? names. orgasm. sex on the beach. screaming orgasm.
XXXX sucking cowboy. blowjob. love potion. and these are merely a few
of the various cocktails that are served… not even the “extra”
services.
i had a love potion, to begin
with. oh my god, it was so gay. a little pink drink with plenty of
whipped cream and a little darling cherry on top., served in a bowl
wine glass. it’s the type of glass that requires little dainty slender
fingers to hold in a particular way while the owner of the fingers
grooms the other slender fingers through his/her slick hair elegantly
and laughs in a particular “ha ha ha” polite manner (imitates shaking
of shoulders and tilt of head). even the cherry suggested subtle traces
of anti-masculinity as it just sits there rather stupidly on the
whipped cream awaiting you to pop it into your mouth while pouting your
lips in a seductive and hopefully amber chia manner.
but appearances are deceptive, because i swear, that drink is a complete hard ass bitch.
holy crap, it packs a whallop. consisting of a lethal mix of vodka,
schnapps and most likely anti freeze topped with strawberries and god
knows what else, it’s enough to get you slightly stoned on the first
sip. my chums, who happened to be female, were sticking with the more
masculine cocktails like vodka espresso and i can’t remember the names
of the other drinks. but hell, at least they were in decent honest-to-god glass cups.
after the love potion i went on with an orgasm. i don’t care what
people say. it does not feel right whatsoever to call up a waiter, and
tell him that i want an orgasm. whoever came up with these names for
the drinks are really sad people who apparently never had sex before
and therefore need a smack up the head with an elephants backside. take
love potion for instance. take away the silly cherry and whipped cream
and put it in a manly cup. voila! instant manly intoxicating drink
which will become the man’s drink. you dare me to bottoms up a jug of
beer? i dare you to take a bottoms up a mug of love potion.
being the great chums that me and my classmates are, we all decided to
experiment and bought a wide variety of drinks. the purpose? to try out
new drinks previously unheard of until our tastebuds decide to commit
harakiri or we’ve achieved the supreme state of having your sluggish
body comfortably horizontal. to avoid getting sick on this impulsive
alcohol binge, we decided to grab a pizza.
leaving telawi street bistro pretty much walking on cloud 9, we were
joined by a very cheerful and chubby bobo who we called up all to join
us all the way from putrajaya. feeling brave and as strong as a dozen
virile gay bulls in a locked up pen we decided to go to the thai club
in kl to further attempt to reach that supreme state of comfortable
horizontalness. i left them for a while to send back dkat, whom i had
the pleasure of bumping into. word out to dkat! glad you had a great
time. and no you weren’t talking that loud. or if you were, so was
everyone else, so fuck it and relax. no, seriously.
coming back to kl, i got caught in the typical saturday night jam near
hard rock, which caused me to stare agog at some people who think they
look sexy as hell, and walk as if they think they look sexy as hell and
even pose as if they thought they looked sexy as hell. it was an
instant hair of the dog. if you’re drunk and need a way to get sober
fast, go out there and watch trannies strut their stuff. there are good
ones, i know, but then there are also these types which apparently have
never heard of the words “gillette mach3 for real men only super smooth skin guaranteed! terms and conditions apply” before.
parking my car near passion, i walked across to rejoin my chums
only to be stopped by some other girl friends who insisted i share a
drink with them. yippee! i don’t know what drink i had, but once
again… like the other deceivingly feminine appearing cocktails it
could bloody well anaesthize a bull. waving farewell in a happy haze, i
took my leave and proceeded to amble in an endearingly clumsy gait to
thai bar, which i found out had just been raided and was therefore
closed. not that it mattered to the people inside who were still
happily achieving that nirvana state of horizontalness. the music was
switched off however. i managed to locate bobo and the girls and we had
good old oily mamak food and-
oh shit ah crap dammit fuck fuck fuck ma ci fucking bai stupid cat just
suddenly managed to crawl in my window and gave me a damn heart attack.
i’m going to send dkat to work then i’m going to go home and scare the
shit out of the cat by making rowan atkinson faces at it. or maybe even
george bush. but then again maybe not… i don’t want to be savagely
mauled by my cat. or have my face used as a territory marking post.
from the squarespace archives pt4.
extracted from the lost archives of http://thekanserusone.squarespace.com.
Posted on Friday, January 21, 2005 at 12:34AM by
back to the future.
i’m currently listening to old school heavy metal.
this is not good. all those memories and feelings which i thought i had managed to sweep aside are threatening to come out and do a vicious samba on my expansive navel.
a friend of mine is coming back from aussie tonite. he messaged me the other day asking me whether we could go headbanging and jamming when he comes back. i would love to, actually. it’s been ages and we’re going to sound like we gave david hasselhorf multiple blowjobs while wearing cheesy turkey suits, but hey, all in the name of fun and music. he needs to release some really pent up emotions that he’s had inside. ahahah! it’d be like the old times when we’d burst our eardrums and shatter windows and proceed to yum cha while thinking goddamn we’re damn yau yeng. yeah. stylish.
sometimes i wish time would stand still. life goes by too fast that it becomes a blur and at the end of the day you’re just left there standing alone going “what? what?” because everyone’s passed you by. it’s like everyone’s rushing for everything, from deadlines to relationships to feeding your cat. for instance i was in the police station today, paying off my various outdated summonses so as to avoid being thrown into a jail cell and finding out the true meaning of “tossing someone’s salad”. almost everyone in malaysia was in that one little room where, true to malaysian efficiency only 2 out of the 6 counters were open. calmly waiting in line for my turn to beg and plead mercy and throw myself on my knees, i watched these people with an almost bemused detached manner.
dude, telling the police that you are a very busy man and you have kids at home is not going to lessen your charges. nope. nada. lady, the chairs are there for people to sit on. yes, to sit on. you know, for people’s asses? yeah. no.. no.. not your handbag. no…not your handphone and news paper either. what goes on a chair again? think about it… almost…. almost…! oh dear.. don’t burn out thinking too much. clearly it’s an unfamiliar process. good effort though.
my only problem with not rushing is that if i don’t watch out, i’m going to be left behind, stuck in the past.
i can’t do that. it’d be great…. but it’d also be painful all over again.
nah, i’ve moved on. but hey man… chill ok! the true brutalness comes from taking things chill and slow… no point rushing like a headless horny chicken right?
i mean we’ll get there in the end, anyway.
chill wei!
from the squarespace archives pt3.
extracted from the lost archives of http://thekanserusone.squarespace.com.
Posted on Friday, January 21, 2005 at 08:10PM by
dammit it won’t flush.
what is going on?
i’m too chicken shit to go out to any bar or club or lounge even zoo
negara now coz chances are most likely i’d be caught by the police,
thrown into some dingy lockup with other inmates who get off playing
with each other’s crusty toes and be forced to pick up soap from the
slimy floor of the communal shower. they’ve started raiding most of the
nightspots in kl, and surprise surprise, they ain’t coming for those
who are merely drunk, or high, or have a syringe chock full of crack up
their arse, no. those are merely trivialities, no big deal, nothing
much to shout about, you know what i’m saying? they’re after something
much, much more serious.
they’re after malays.
rumour has it that our good boys in blue are going about and checking
up on the popular places like zouk, nouvo and god knows what else
checking up on whether the patrons are malay or not. if the poor sod
happens to cakap melayu, god help him as they brought along some pak
haji from some jawi office who is going to lecture him then and there
on what a worthless piece of shit he is and how his parents would be
ashamed to have given birth to such an ungrateful little turd and yadda
yadda; you get my drift. to make matters worse, i also heard that the
poor parents are roped in no matter what the bloody time is and once
again, the lecture from the respectable aforementioned pak haji; your
child… improper upbringing… spoilt.. shitty training… you know,
the works. of course, these are merely rumours, but i’m taking no
chances. especially when i heard that a friend of a friend got caught.
what the hell is going on?
and then we have the latest case of the police arresting the
“undisciplined offenders” who have yet to pay their traffic summons. i
was at the police station just yesterday paying of 600 bucks of
summonses which were caused by me and my good old dad. mind you, there
were a damn lot of people queing up to pay, as noone quite fancied the
idea of being thrown into a lockup with other inmates who get off
playing with each other’s crusty toes and love to pick up soap from the
slimy floor of the communal shower. up to date, about 6000 poor sods
have been arrested by the police. that’s a lot of soap. i noticed that
a lot of money was coming in to the police though. the minimum charge
was 80 bucks per person. again, up to date, the police released a press
statement that they have collected a total of 7,000,000 bucks in the
past 3 - 4 days.
what the hell is going on?
now i know that we had it coming. but at the same time i feel that
there has to be a connection of the two aforementioned incidents. is
someone up there shaking things up so that he can show off to the world
that he is more than just a pretty face? is someone trying to say look
at me! i’m so righteous!
dammit i feel damn bitchy now.
from the squarespace archives pt2.
extracted from the lost archives of http://thekanserusone.squarespace.com.
Posted on Sunday, January 23, 2005 at 12:21AM
don’t make me spank you.
happy hari raya haji! ahahah.
ok i’ve got that out of my system. i just spent the whole day realising how other people see me. potential gay malay-yet-non-malay el freako.
the latter really struck me. for once in a thousand years i had to wear a baju melayu as it was hari raya haji. first of all i’d like to apologise to the three thousand four hundred and fifty five people who died in car accidents as they stared in stupefaction at this bizarre unusual sight driving down the road. see la… stare some more. padam muka. goddamit, even my cat stared at me. as if it never saw me wear a baju melayu before. hah.
had a sort of yum cha session with leonard and elliot today. pukimak lan ciao they also stared. goddammit. amidst consternations that the pigs were going to fly, and that the world would end tomorrow, we had a few drinks at bangsar san francisco. elliot’s just come back from aussie, and me and leonard were mercilessly torturing him by planning a full session of jamming later when he goes back to penang. hah! what great considerate friends we were. we rock. since i was wearing the gear anyway, i decided to try and converse in malay, and pulled it off quite well, too, i think. those bastards were literally rolling about on the floor laughing like idiots, but that’s another matter. i still think i can talk malay. so fuck off. shaddup. stop laughing.
what’s wrong with the way i sound when i talk malay? i have chinese friends who split their sides and have to be warded in hospital after i chat to them in malay. even when i talk malay to malay friends they stare blankly back at me, and answer in english. goddammit. do i have a wrong slang? is my grammar that off? do i sound that weird? aaaaarrrggghhh.
i’m damn tempted to wear this baju melayu more often. ahahaha see how man… i may wear it out to bar savanh or somewhere. that’d be a sight… this kampung kid wearing baju melayu and doing the shuffle while bumping and grinding with some hunnies. holding a jd coke in hand too. damn yau yeng wei!
i’d use malay pick up lines too.
muka kamu manis seperti teh pekat di mamak.
or even hati aku tertarik bagaikan teh tarik kaw kaw.
yeah man…. with lines like these the world is going to be my oyster! or lala. or see ham. or whatever.
*p/s: for those who didn’t understand the malay pick up lines, leave me a message and i’ll clarify matters and explain not only what they mean and imply, but also why these lines are goddamn good and should be emulated by other guys. seriously.
from the squarespace archives pt1.
i found my old blog archives for the squarespace account!
the next few posts are going to be old posts derived from that particular account.
why? because i lazy to think up new posts.
======================================================
extracted from the lost archives of http://thekanserusone.squarespace.com.
Posted on Tuesday, January 25, 2005 at 12:21PM
this most likely will be the last post for my squarespace account.
i’ve only got a few more days before this trial site ends and they want
me to either pay up or go and fuck myself silly up the arse. i really
dislike this very the much. time to start archiving my previous rants
and look for a new place.
went out to low yat with good ol jon gordon
today, accompanied by my good coursemate alyssa. checked out all the
spare parts possible, while i found out to my quiet dismay that no, i
can’t simply walk in and buy a touch-screen-add-on-kit off the shelf
just like that. they don’t sell it here. i am so fucked.
jon wanted to replace his graphic card as he had burned out the other
one; god knows what he was doing with it. yet despite installing the
new card and a dvd-burner into his now maxed out computer, he was still
foiled by the unassuming yet as irritating as that itch between the
shoulderblades on your own back; the dreaded password protection. come
on now, you think, surely that isn’t a problem?
it is a problem. god help us, it’s a major problem.
jon cannot get into his pc now. for some reason the auto login feature
which allowed him to bypass the password login section didn’t work,
causing him extreme mental anguish as he now has to try and remember
every single possible phrase which could be a potential password since
the last two or so years ago. best of luck, dude… you’ll need it.
dinner was at this reaaaaaaally tiny mexican cafe in puchong with the demented kat
along with us. food was nice, although a bit dry. corn chips?
mmmmmmmmm. mexican style chicken? hey now, i didn’t know that mexicans
like their chicken almost raw with a crispy skin? i didn’t know they
liked it bloody either. ew.
dinner was so dry that we had to go out again for a round of teh ais, this time at kueenz in puchong.
i’m so full i’m seeing stars now and i’m starting to look like
that god of prosperity statues which i see all over the place nowadays
in conjunction with chinese new year. cheerio, people!